You and your spouse are having a tense argument. As for both of you start to raise your voice, then you notice your children standing in the doorway looking at you. Clearly, they heard every word that both of you said to each other.
Is this situation familiar to you?
I do think it’s normal for parents to disagree and argue from time to time. Like malays proverb, “ sedangkan lidah lagi tergigit, inikan pula suami isteri.’ Hehehe suddenly I remember P.Ramlee Movie, Tiga Abdul. 
From my point of view, no family is perfect. Even the happiest family in the world will face problems from time to time. We might disagree about big things or even about little things that might not seem important at all. Arguing sometimes can be a good thing because; we try to talk about it and try to solve it. We feel much, much better for each others because with love, understanding and with some work out, we can solve almost any problem.
How it does relate to our kids?
Mona El-Sheikh, a psychology faculty member at Auburn University, who researches how aggression between parents affects children, says
Most parents don’t understand the damage they can do to their child if they argue frequently, and the child can hear or see. Many parents think that children will understand that parent’s are just letting off steams or that the child will not remember, but that is not true. Kids who are exposed to repeated conflict are sensitized to arguments, not desensitized.
If you listen to the experts on parental conflict, you learn that arguing in front of the kids is something to avoid. I believe in Islam also teach us not to start an argument or even raise our voice in front of our children. When we argue in front of our children, they might experience a serious psychological harm if they keep on witnessing their parents always arguing.
Worse case, they will felt that, their parents do not love each other anymore and they might think that their parents can get divorce. This will cause depression and insecurity to the child. How about their growth? It might affect their thinking and believing that successful relationship does not exist in the world.
HOWEVER….
A study has found that it might actually be good for children to see their parents argue if the disagreement is resolved the right way. I repeat.. if the disagreement is resolved the right way.
What they found is, when parents have an argument and then the resolution was positive, children can learn from parents’ conflict and experience.
“Children actually are not disturbed by it if there are sincere efforts to problem-solve,” said Mark E. Cummings, a professor of psychology at the University of Notre Dame and the lead researcher on the ongoing study. “They actually are happy about it, which surprised us to find that kids would actually say they’re happy to see the parents work it out.“
In the study, children who don’t see the entire argument, or who see just the beginning but not the resolution, can become overly dramatic in their conflicts. They may become more erratic in their behaviour, and their relationships may suffer.
They suggest it is better to let children watch the whole part of the argument and show them how to solve the problem. From this way, if children see grown-ups fighting and making up, those children learn that disagreements can be stepping stones to solutions.
The researchers also said parents can learn how to argue and resolve conflict in front of their children. That teaches children “constructive conflict resolution,” which they can then apply to their friendships and future romantic relationships.
So, How to keep arguments under control?
- Respect
Always remember and bear in mind to show respect to your spouse. Learn to listen and passion. Don’t try to replace your spouse name, with foul languages. Don’t raise your voice and speak calmly.
- Focus on solution
Remember that you are trying to find a solution. So, you have to focus and don’t try to make your spouse feel wrong. Doesn’t matter who’s wrong or whose right, step back a little can prevent the argument on and on and on. Calm down you first before continue talking. Anger can make your make a wrong decision or can hurt your spouse feeling.
- No sides
Please and please and please not to involve your children with your argument. Like telling them who’s wrong and make them hate your spouse. It’s better to keep it between you and your spouse. You can make your child more distressed.
- Learn to apologise
Each one of you try learn to apologise. It is better to let your child see you, when you say sorry to your spouse. It doesn’t show that you are weak or what, but it makes them understand that you are taking responsibility for your own words.
As a conclusion (my conclusion 
), it would be best if we could avoid having arguments with our spouse. However, should it be avoidable or the problem arise suddenly (tiba-tiba naik angin), make sure that you try to resolve the argument the right way..
What say you??
Luv,
UmmiKhayra
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I agree that having an argument in front of our children is not good. how abt trying the silent treatment? hehe that’s what we use if we are arguing. we’ll solve our argument when we are alone (without the presence of our kids)
.-= temp. housewife´s last blog post ..First day of school for 2010 but Fathini’s not going to school……. =-.
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Ummi Khayra Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:12 PM
silent treatment is good but not used always coz to me it is like volcano waiting to erupt… hehehehe so once we alone n start arguing, everything single thing will come out…
.-= Ummi Khayra´s last blog post ..~ Cerita Lawak Di Pagi Hari ~ =-.
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babies can be super sensitive esp if they heard people shouting. Happen to me one day, while i’m nursing my bb, i jerit “Sayang tolong tutup api nasik”..then my baby suddenly cry..maybe dia ingat saya marahkan dia..lagikan la kalau kita bergaduh laki bini..tak tau la apa bb fikir..
.-= dbalkis´s last blog post ..CD Review (Part 1) – Type of Cloth Diapers =-.
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Ummi Khayra Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:25 PM
true.. babies are super sensitive to our tone of voice..
tambahan lagi, kesian baby tu sakit telinga dengar suara kuat2 bile gaduh…
.-= Ummi Khayra´s last blog post ..~ Cerita Lawak Di Pagi Hari ~ =-.
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It will effect our child…masa kecik2 mak n ayah slalu bergaduh..sampai skang terasa fobianya….
.-= eyriqazz´s last blog post ..I Love Nuffnang =-.
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Ummi Khayra Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:46 PM
eyriqazz.. besar btul efek die kan.. mesti susah nak lupekan…
.-= Ummi Khayra´s last blog post ..~ Cerita Lawak Di Pagi Hari ~ =-.
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I totally agree!BEST not to argue infront of your child especially when u start raising voice and stuff. u notice the child will get scared and prob start crying and does effects the child if this occur frequently.
Best is to try to hold your steam and take it elsewhere. or argue in a healthy way where talk nicely and don raise your voice and figure out the best solution to your problems.
Coz this wud also give the child a different view where sometimes its ok to express their feeling/opinions/dissapoinment but there’s always a right way to do it by talking about it with no need of raising your voice, being harsh,etc.
Respect is always the key!
good luck parents!!
.-= fatin´s last blog post ..Morning Picnic with MBP =-.
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Ummi Khayra Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:48 PM
I agree with arguing in a healthy way (talk nicely)..
but why is it so hard to do that? hehehehe
.-= Ummi Khayra´s last blog post ..~ Cerita Lawak Di Pagi Hari ~ =-.
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Argument is suppose to bring out the truth and later provide resolution, but commonly it brings out the “monster” in us. We use mean & hurtful words.
Remember, children live from what they learn. Ladies, we wouldn’t want our daughters to think its ok for us to be shouted by a man and that a proper way to talk to their husband. Men, we wouldn’t want our sons to be picking up the un-gentleman-like kind of behaviour, right? “kalau mak bapak aku boleh buat gitu & it works for them, it should work just fine for me too”.
If we can argue diplomatically like debaters, lawyers, ppl at NATO gathering (where sopan santunnya masih ada), by all means…argue la depan anak..kalo u know things may get out of hand, zip it.
for me, kalau marah…it is better u hush for a while & let it subside b4 confronting the problem. i selalu fikir, kalo time marah tu our guard is down & opens vulnarable areas for SETAN to poke-poke.
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Ummi Khayra Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 7:17 PM
I wish I can see just how debaters/lawyers argue at home.. maybe I can learn one or two tricks..
.-= Ummi Khayra´s last blog post ..~ Cerita Lawak Di Pagi Hari ~ =-.
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hmm…masa kecik2 ni is one thing.. but camne kalo melarat smpai ke besa? that part about ‘no sides’ really reminded me of a fren yg has bad impression on her dad dr kecik smpai skang – why? bcoz the mom always luahkan perasaan whenever gado with the dad. padehal dad tu diam je xpenah burukkan the mom with the kids.
look how bad it will effect the kids???
good article, ummikhayra. reminds us young couples (yg darah muda!) ni to stop & reflect whenever having a misunderstanding..
.-= syigim´s last blog post ..Sharjah Aquarium & Qanat Al-Qasbah =-.
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Ummi Khayra Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:22 PM
betul3… part “no sides” tu memang penting pada impression budak kat kite as parents.. especially bile kite nak jadi the best role model untuk anak kite..
actually syigim, article ni memang a reminder untuk parents2.. especially yg “cepat panas”.. n untuk kitorg jugak. hehehehe
.-= Ummi Khayra´s last blog post ..~ Cerita Lawak Di Pagi Hari ~ =-.
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yup betul tu,..
sumi selalu ingatkan ngan husband…jgn nak bising2 berleter2 dpn anak kalu kita ada masalah…
sbb anak2 akan ingat segala percakapan dan perbualan kita..
nanti dgn gaya marah2 dn nanges2..x pepasal anak akan berfikiran lain..
tp alhmadulilah..x pernha berperang besar pun… mungkin berkat bertolak ansur dan saling memahami kunci kami bersama..hehehe
harap berkekalan la ke ahkir hayat dgn harmoni..
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Ummi Khayra Reply:
February 11th, 2010 at 5:54 PM
amin..
tolak ansur dan saling memahami tu memang kene ada kat semua pasangan suami isteri.. kalau tak, perang besar la macam Iraq n Amerika.. gaduh sikit2 tu biasa la kan? betul tak sumi jelly? hehehe
.-= Ummi Khayra´s last blog post ..~ Patut Ke Lelaki Buat Kerja Rumah? ~ =-.
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setuju dengan artikel ini, paling penting selesaikan dengan cara yang baik…tapi, waktu tengah marah memang susah nak sabar. angin jer rase satu badan…mmg betul sabda Rasulullaha orang yang paling kuat adalah oranga dapat menahan diri semasa dia marah…memang susah nak lawan perasaan marah, betul tak?
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Ummi Khayra Reply:
February 11th, 2010 at 5:58 PM
bila dah angin satu badan, angin tu naik kat otak pulak.. lepas tu terus cloud kita punye judgement… lepas tu semua bende “terkeluar”…
itula.. nak tahan diri supaya angin tu x naik ke kepala tu memang susah… kena ada kawalan diri yang tinggi. hehehe
.-= Ummi Khayra´s last blog post ..~ Patut Ke Lelaki Buat Kerja Rumah? ~ =-.
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